Jokes

A foursome was talking about what they had to do to go golfing.
The first one said that he had to promise his wife that he would do all the yard work the following day.
The second one said that he had to commit to painting a spare bedroom.
The third one had to promise his wife a weekend on the town.
The fourth one just smiled and said that when the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. he asked his wife, "What will it be, me going to play golf or us having sex," she replied, "don't forget your sun glasses."

An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan," and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "AYE we call it a three."

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The Priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said "Father; remember psalm 129?.
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember psalm 129". Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went her way. On his arrival at his Church, the priest rushed up to retrieve the Bible and looked up psalm 129.

It said "Go forth and seek, further up you will find Glory".

MORAL OF THE STORY: ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB. OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with us".
He said that, in light of this bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down"

Joke of the Day
Three Irishmen and three Englishmen were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Englishmen each bought tickets and watched as the three Irishmen bought only a single ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket asked an Englishman? Watch and you'll see, answered the Irishmen. They all boarded the train. The Englishmen took their respective seats but all three Irishmen crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Englishmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decided to copy the Irishmen (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Irishmen didn't buy a ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one perplexed Englishman. Watch and you'll see, answered one of the Irishmen. When they boarded the train the three Englishmen crammed into a restroom and the three Irishmen crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Immediately afterward (before the conductor made his rounds), one of the Irishmen left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the Englishmen were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket,please..."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and very determined to keep the ranch. But, she knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was a gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about her decision. When no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day, and seemed to know a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You ave done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed, and went into town that Saturday night. However, 1 o'clock came and he hadn't returned. Then, 2 o'clock and no hired hand. Finally, he returned around 2:30 a.m., and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her and said, "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said Trembling, he did as directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, very slowly. "Now take off my socks", and, again, he complied. "Now, take off my skirt." With perspiration showing, he did as instructed. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told. "Now, she said, "take off my panties." Slowly, he pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever, ever, wear my clothes to town again."
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?" The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
Snotty doctor's receptionist There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my pénis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. " The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't píss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
A Bee Sting A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What’s wrong?" "I was stung by a bee." "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Do you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now nearly 70 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, died insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. He was still playing golf at 90 and solvent. Moral: Don't worry about business and concentrate on your golf!
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned this predicament. The son wrote back: 'Don't dig up the garden, Dad. That's where the guns are hidden.' (Needless to say, the prison did not send the letter to his father) Next day the police came to the home and excavated the entire back yard without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened and asking him what he should do. His son replied, 'Now plant your potatoes. That's the best I could do on short notice.
A golfer, playing a strange course for the first time, was teeing up on the first hole. He took out a 3-wood and addressed the ball. Suddenly, a voice to his right said, "No, take a club extra!" He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra." The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the centre of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart. All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record. In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!" The frog cocks its head and aswers, "I've never been to a casino before." "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do. "Roulette." croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?" Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black." "Everyting?" repeats the golfer. "Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer paces the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k. All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionnaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants. "Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog. The golfer smiles at this."Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like. "Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog. Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling." And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!"
A Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults." "Somersaults!!!! How many of them does it do??" "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"
A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro. They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the pro exclaims, "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway! Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."
A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week." "Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoke into using it." "Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods." "That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself." "No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap." "Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point." "No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup." "Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating." "No, Father, I was still cool." "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE F***ING PUTT?!?!??!"
A man had a heart attack on the 15th green. His playing companion said to him, "Not to worry, there is a doctor playing the 8th hole and everyone is letting him play thorugh."
There was this man who was playing a horrible round of golf. He said to his caddy,"I'm playing so bad I could just drown myself in that water hazard." Hearing this the caddy replied,"Are you sure you could keep your head down that long?"
Jim, a member of the local country club, invited his friend Jack to play a round at his club. Since Jack had never played the course, on the first tee Jim was explaining where best to aim and where the trouble is on the hole. Jack teed his ball, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a violent swing with his driver, hit a foot behind the ball tearing up sod, didn't even touch the ball. Jack stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything. Jack stepped back from his ball, looked at Jim and said, "tough course".
A foursome was talking about what they had to do to go golfing. The first one said that he had to promise his wife that he would do all the yard work the following day. The second one said that he had to commit to painting a spare bedroom. The third one had to promise his wife a weekend on the town. The fourth one just smiled and said that when the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. he asked his wife, "What will it be, me going to play golf or us having sex," she replied, "don't forget your sun glasses." An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle. The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan," and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland. The caddy replies, "AYE we call it a three." A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The Priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said "Father; remember psalm 129?. The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember psalm 129". Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went her way. On his arrival at his Church, the priest rushed up to retrieve the Bible and looked up psalm 129. It said "Go forth and seek, further up you will find Glory". MORAL OF THE STORY: ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB. OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!!" An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with us". He said that, in light of this bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? " "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down"

Joke of the Day